Saturday night

Fred and Ginger dance as if something has possessed them... I forgot how much I love watching the. :)  Thanks, Netflix!

Seeing as how my last post was a bit dramatic, I will just give a caveat by saying that I am a bit dramatic.  If you know any of my three borthers, you would agree that if anything frustrates or confuses us, our first resort is the most drastic and dramatic measure (thus, "I don't really like school.  I think I will join the Marines and overthrow an evil despot," or "I'm not really into democracy.  I think I'm a radical socialist who wants to be homeless in Germany for a while."  Just saying).

And on a happy note, solitude, like with the nuns, is such a great way to get centered. I found the best hiking in Los Altos.  Well, that and I wrote a nearly 3000 word email to a friend.  Really got stuff off my chest. 

Ok, just wanted to put that out there.  :D 

Unsure

Life is nice.  God has provided me with a good church, a good job, friends and family who care, basic needs.  Yet I don't know what I'm doing.  I'm so lost now.  I throw temper tantrums sometimes: I fast, go for long prayer hikes, and refuse to enjoy anything because I'm frustrated with my own rebellious feelings.  And I don't even know what I'm rebelling against.

I wonder if anyone knows this feeling.

I am so tired, but is that the reason for my frustration or the result?  

I don't want to rest.  I keep thinking if just one person would validate my life with a warm word, a hug, a sense of true company, that I would start to feel this satisfaction I am longing for.  But then I think I'm looking for a kick in the pants, something even harder, something bigger, something I can be even more passionate about!  

God!  God is a great answer.  But what does that mean?  I beg God to take these rebellious and wild feelings and help me to submit to the mundane, difficult, lonely everyday.  I know that what He has given me is so rich and beautiful, there is no way I can imagine what to ask for that could be more than this.  What is it that I actually want?

I watched Before Sunset, then After Sunrise (which is the first movie of the two...).  The conclusion I came to, after my heart, once again, was plucked like a guitar with every word from those movies until it throbbed in resonation.  Those movies aren't meant to be didactic or have a specific "message."  That would ruin them. But I came to a conclusion.

Viewers are left wondering: did either of them go to Vienna in six months?  Did she go and not him?  Did he lie?  Did he go and she didn't?  I like to think neither of them went, because what they had for one night all those years ago was all there was.  When they meet ten years later, they long for what could have been, and their longing is the cry of so many people I know, including myself.  

But how many of us are willing to drop it all for that once-in-a-lifetime chance to really go for what we want?  Maybe no one.  Almost all of us opt for the miserable, mundane day-to-day, because even if it's miserable, it is the same miserable as everyone else, and we like to be comfortable.  We would rather be comfortable in our misery than uncomfortable in our going out and in our stepping up.  

So the question remains, for which reason am I often miserable?  Is it because I have become too complacent with mediocrity?  Am I ok with giving commercialized advice to high schoolers, reading my books, taking my tests, preaching my sermons using the formulas from class that ensure they work, and then doing it all again and again?  Do I need God to shake things up?  Do I need to be doing something that I'm too afraid or unwilling to do??

Or, am I experiencing the pain of actually having a goal and not getting there fast enough.  Is it because I did step out that I find myself alone, scared, and completely unsure... is this what happens when we opt for what we really desire in our hearts and not what is easily available or what we are told we should have?  

I can't help but feel (or at least hope) it's the latter.  But if so, what is the solution?  Stay the course.  Run the race.  Remain.  Press on.  Abide.  I know the answer.  Can I do it?  I pray to God I can.

Class

I can finally say I have class--even if it's only for three hours on few times a week

Counseling class taught me the most this quarter.  I realized, especially, that the past two years (maybe even more years than that), I've been treating my life as ending.  To explain, I am terrible with endings.  I do not celebrate them.  I do not mourn them.  I do not move on from them.  I love beginnings.  My only method of getting over an inevitable ending is looking only at the new beginning.  But for the last two years, I've felt I wasn't looking forward to anything but more hard work and confusion.  I think this is because I've been ending a certain period of my life. 

This year, I think I'm finally beginning again.  I can see some stability, and I can see some vision.  I'm completely satisfied with the course I've taken with life, and things are not so precarious as they've been in the past.  Things are going well.

But I need to work on my endings.  I need to be more honest with people and with myself.  I need to learn to say my feelings and say my goodbyes and let transitions happen.

We'll see.